My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago Yeah, I′ve got people, and a phone, and a sense of the passage of time Yeah, they rang me up, said "Tim, do you wanna do the Royal Variety Show?
They want you to sing a song; it'll be fine, fine, fine" But the problem with my particular oeuvre Is that half my songs are five minutes and over And the wisdom here at ITV Is that viewers switch off if you go past three And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language Which causes viewers untold anguish It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved For pussy puns on ′Are You Being Served'. And so I... Need a song that only goes for three minutes Without no bums or blasphemy in it For the delicate skin of contemporary Britain I need a song with a and a verse Without no nasty cussing and a-cursing I'm a little too lewd and a little too long I gotta write myself a three minute song And they said "Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking It′s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes. Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking Everybody loves a pianist but length must have a limit So I Need a song that only goes for three minutes Without no pornography or politics in it A little less rude and more concise Be yourself but brief and nice Three hundred beats at a hundred beats a minute With a nice clean joke and a hoe-down in it I′m a little verbose and a little bit wrong I gotta find myself a clean-living three minute song And even in the bridge I won't be lyrically adventurous Conceptually contentious Or racially offensious And I won′t make double entendres At the expense of the Chinese For China is a country that can bring me to my knees For China For China For China For China For China is a count-ry that will bring us to our knees Ooh Mr Humphreys, my pussy is out in the rain a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Two, three, fore skin I need a little happy-clappy country song Nice and repetitive and not too long Boring enough but not too boring With a key change here to prevent us snoring I need a song that is only three minutes Without no bums or blasphemy in it You don't get laughs by lingering But I′d better get a giggle with my fingering PIANO SOLO I need a song that'll render me A favourite of royalty In the hope that a copy of my DVD Will end up under the Royal tree The Queen′s got a stocking and I wanna be in it And apparently she'll only watch for three minutes Don't mind me, I′ll be done in three
Writer(s): TIMOTHY MINCHIN