Bless this day Pinnacle of life Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold This golden day. Today is for Amy Amy, I give you the rest of my life To cherish and to keep you To honor you forever Today is for Amy My, happily, soon-to-be wife. Pardon me, is everybody here? Because if everybody's here I'd like to thank you all For coming to the wedding. I'd appreciate you going even more I mean, you must have lots of better things to do And not a word of it to Paul Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anything As wonderful as he is. Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers, Thank you all, now it's back to the showers Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today. Bless this day Tragedy of life Husband bound to wife The heart leaps up And feels dead This dreadful day. Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual Where everybody promises fidelity forever, Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should. Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married You've been grand, but I'm not getting married Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today. Go! Can't you go? Why is nobody listening? Goodbye! Go and cry At another person's wake. If you're quick, for a kick You could pick up a christening But please, on my knees, There's a human life at stake! Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you? It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage. I'm not well, so I'm not getting married You've been swell, but I'm not getting married Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married Thank you all, but I'm not getting married And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today. Bless this bride Totally insane Slipping down the drain And bless this day in our hearts As it starts To rain. Today is for Amy Amy, I give you the rest of my life To cherish and to keep you To honor you forever Go! Can't you go? Look, you know I adore you all But why watch me die Like Eliza on the ice? Look, perhaps I'll collapse In the apse right before you all So take back the cake Burn the shoes, and boil the rice. Today is for Amy, My, happily, soon-to-be wife My adorable wife... Look, I didn't want to have to tell you, But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint So if you want to watch me faint, I'll do it happily But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral? So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates Thirty-seven butter knives Forty-seven paperweights Fifty-seven candle holders One more thing... I'm not getting married. Amen! Softly said... But I'm not getting married. Amen! With this ring... See, I'm not getting married! Amen! I thee wed. Still, I'm not getting married! Amen! Let us pray that we are getting married Let us pray that we're not getting married Today!